Redneck Church

Redneck church


1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the
finance committee
refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none
of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people
ask, when they
learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were
bass or
catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... when
the pastor says,
"I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,"
five guys and two
women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... opening
day of deer
season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... a
member of the church
requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because
"It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the
choir is known as
the "OK Chorale."

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... in a
congregation of
500 members, there are only seven different last names
in the church
directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people
think "rapture"
is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the
baptismal pool is a
#2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the
choir robes were
donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy
Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the
collection plates
are really hubcaps from a'56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
instead of a bell; you
are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the
minister and his
wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the
communion wine is
Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink."

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... "Thou
shall not covet"
applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the
final words of the
benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya heah."

God Bless and don't Y'all fergit ta say yer prayers!!!

AMBER ALERT: UPDATE/Prayers Needed

Few Clues In Abduction Of Newborn

Abby Woods Taken Friday

POSTED: 5:33 pm CDT September 17, 2006

UPDATED: 5:41 pm CDT September 17, 2006

Abigale Lynn Woods

Related To Story

ST. CLAIR, Mo. -- A rural Missouri mother who had her throat cut and her newborn baby kidnapped by the attacker was released from a hospital on Sunday while investigators continued to search for the child and her abductor.

Heavy rains, however, forced the postponement of a planned search.

Authorities said a woman came to 21-year-old Stephanie Ochsenbine's home in the small town of Lonedell on Friday, attacked her with a knife and left with her week-old infant, Abigale Lynn Woods.

Flyers showing the baby, called "Abby" by her family, were posted in gas stations and fast food restaurants in the neighboring community of Union. The 6-pound girl, born Sept. 8, has dark brown hair, dark eyes and a strawberry birthmark on her forehead.

Meanwhile, people in the area about 45 miles southwest of St. Louis are shocked and scared. A number of churches held special prayers for Abby's safe return during Sunday morning services.

Search dogs, Franklin County deputies, FBI agents and several Missouri National Guard members combed the area around the home for clues over the weekend.

Franklin County Sheriff Gary Toelke said authorities found some evidence on the property near Ochsenbine's home, including a knife, but would not give details on what else was recovered.

Callers continued to offer tips to a command post and call center at a National Guard facility in St. Clair, Toelke said, but none led to a suspect.

"Any lead is good, but so far there's nothing that has stood out," he said. "There's a lot of information we have, but nothing concrete."

Toelke said authorities do not suspect Ochsenbine in her daughter's disappearance.

The attacker was described as a white woman with black hair, 5 feet 8 inches tall and 200 pounds. She was believed to be armed.

Ochsenbine helped police artists with a composite drawing of the kidnapper after leaving the hospital. The picture could be released Sunday, Toelke said.

Ochsenbine told police she did not know the woman who came to her door Friday and entered the house after asking to use the telephone.

Ochsenbine's 1-year-old son, Connor, also was in the house during the attack, but was unharmed. Ochsenbine's boyfriend and Abby's father, James Woods, was at work.

Authorities have asked hospitals and physicians to be on the lookout for anyone bringing in a newborn.

The abductor has been profiled as someone who had a child die recently or could not have children and has told people she was pregnant and needed to steal a child so her lie would not be found out.

Among the investigators on the case is an FBI agent from Kansas City who worked a 2004 case in Skidmore, on the other side of Missouri, where a woman killed an expecting mother, cut the fetus from her belly and tried to pass the child off as her own.

Lisa Montgomery's trial is scheduled to start next month in the killing of Bobbie Jo Stinnett, who was eight months pregnant with her first child.

Abductions of infants by strangers are rare. On average, fewer than a dozen cases of infant abduction by non-family members happen each year in the U.S., according to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children in Alexandria, Va. Only three such kidnappings were recorded in 2002, and 13 the year before.

From 1983 to 2002 there were 217 reported cases of non-family infant abductions and all but a few infants were recovered safely within 25 miles of where they had been taken, according to a 2003 NCMEC study. About three-quarters of the kidnapped infants were recovered in less than five days.

"We're hopeful that's the case," Toelke said. "That (statistic) is some consolation. If it was a mother, they will take care of the child and won't harm the child."

The baby's pediatrician said Abby is overdue for a doctor's visit.

Previous Story:

• September 15, 2006: Police: Woman Slashes Mother's Throat, Takes Baby

Copyright 2006 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Abigale Lynn Woods

AMBER ALERT: UPDATE Case #: 1863311583
Date Issued: 03:18 PM 09/15/2006 CT UPDATE: Toll-free number for Franklin County Sheriff's Office added (888-265-8639)

Description: Pink dress with flowered collar, birthmark between eyes

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Suspect Sex: Female Height: 5FT8 Weight: 200LBS Hair: Dark Skin Tone: White Description: Sunglasses, black scarf around neck, female mustache, ball cap with worn bill, gray or brown tee shirt, blue jean shorts